Harry Potter and the Inconceivable Plot
by Darko28
Summary: Poor Harry Potter, first his parents are killed, then he brings back the Dark Lord. Now he's stuck in his own personal soap opera. Don't worry, it will get worse...


Disclaimer-I own absolutely nothing.

A/N: I have nothing to say except that I was very, very, bored...

Chapter One-

Harry opened his eyes slowly as a thin sliver of light illuminated the dark floor. He looked carefuly at his clock. 6:45. Too early to be up. Harry laid his head back down on his pillow in an attempt to fall back to sleep. He turned over as voices floated in and out of the room.

"I must confess!" cried a girl's voice in anguish. There was he sound of footsteps and then a male voice.

"No! We cannot you fool!" 

Harry, his brow furrowed in curiousity pulled the covers off of himself and carefully set his bare feet on the hardwood floor of the boy's dorm, careful not to make any noise.

Harry edged his way towards the common room as the voices grew louder.

"I can't go on living a lie!" the girl cried dramatically, putting a hand to her forehead. "Harry mustn't-"

"Harry will never know!"

Harry swiftly opened the common room door to see Hermione and Ron kissing passionately!

"Wha...what?" Harry stuttered, his face flushed in confusion. "Hermione? Ron?"

Ron and Hermione broke away from their kiss, shocked.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "What are you doing out here?"

"That's a good question." Harry replied angrily. "I'll tell you when you tell me what you were doing out here, snogging Ron like a....a..."

"Hyper rabbit on steroids." Ron filled in.

"Exactly!" Harry yelled, pointing excitedly at Ron. "Hermione, you're supposed to be my girlfriend. Good girlfriends don't go around snogging their boyfriend's girlfriend's friend when they think their boyfriend's friend's friend isn't watching! Or...something like that."

"I'm sorry Harry." Hermione gushed, latching her arm onto Ron's. "But Ron and I are in love!"

"Whoa!" Ron said, pulling his arm out of her grip. "Love? Naw, I never said anything about love. Maybe some snogging, but..."

"But Ron!" Hermione wailed, looking crushed from the revelation. "I thought...you can't just abandon me!"

"Sure I can." Ron said thoughtfully. "Goodbye, babe, hello window!" Harry grabbed Ron arm as he made a jump for the window in a futile attempt to escape.

"But, Ron!" Hemrione yelled, tears streaming down her face. "You can't just leave...not when...not when I'm...."

Dramatic Pause for Effect....

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

"Not when..not when...I'm pregnant!" 

Harry's eyes widened in surprise and he gave a girlish scream. "Hermione, how could you!"

"Doesn't matter," Ron said, checking his nails. "For I am not Ron!"

Dramatic Pause.

Dumdedededum.

"What do you mean you are not Ron?" Hermione asked, wiping the tears off of her face. "Then who are you!"

"I am Ron's twin brother! Rrrrramone!"

"Rrrrramone?" Hermione asked.

"Ramone." Harry answered.

"No, no, no." Ramone contradicted, clicking his tongue impatiently. "You're not rolling your r's correctly."

"Rereremone?" Harry asked.

"No," Ramone answered. "As follows. Rrrrrrramone."

"Rrramone?"

"Right!" Ramone replied happily, throwing his arms up in the air. Hermione clapped.

"If you're not Ron, then where is he? How come I never knew he had a twin? Why did you pretend to be him? Where's my left sock? What's the capital of Cambodia? What's the weight of a swallow?"

"What do you mean?" Ramone asked. "European or African?"

"African."

"Ladened or unladened?"

"Unladened."

"Shut-up!" Hermione shouted. "Where is Ron?"

"I'm right here!" Ron said dramatically.

Dramatic Pause.

"Ron!" Hermione shrieked, running to the bruised and bleeding Ron. He collapsed to his knees and grabbed his stomach in pain. "What hapened to you?!"

"He kidnapped me." Ron accused, narrowing his eyes as he pointed to Ramone, who was backing away towards the window.

"Who me?" Ramone asked innocently, smiling sweetly. "Nah...I wouldn't do that...yeah, well, okay, maybe a little."

"Why would he kidnap you?" Hermione asked Ron, helping him up and setting him on the couch.

"He was jealous." Ron said, coughing.

"Alright so maybe I was!" Ramone asked angrily. "When we were born, I was labeled as the evil one! So they sent me away! But I escaped. My goal? Take over your life."

"Then who's baby is it?" Harry asked Hermione.

Hermione looked away, ashamed. "It's not Ramone's..."

"Yes!" Ramone exclaimed.

"And it's not Ron's either!"

Dramatic Pause.

"Then who's is it?" Ron asked, outraged.

"It's..."Hermione said slowly. "Snape's!"

"Ewww!" Harry exclaimed. "That's just gross! Ewww! Bad images!"

All of a sudden, Snape enters the room, someone behind him.

"I can sense you're talking about something dramatic," he said solemnly. He quickly gave Hermione a smile before frowning at the other three. "Guess who I found."

"Parvati Patil?" Harry asked. "Her disappearance has been all over the news."

"No!" Snape replied imatiently. "Guess again."

"Professor Dumbledore?"

"Timmy the Happy Otter?"

"Al Gore?"

"An African Swallow?"

"My left sock?"

"No, no, no, no, and no." Snape answered. "I found...Ginny Weasley!"

"Gasp, Gasp!" Harry cried as Ron, Ramone, and Hermione's eyes widened in surprise. Ginny stepped out from behind Snape, a small smile on her face.

"I thought you were dead!" Ron exclaimed, hugging his sister.

"Yes," Harry agreed, shaking is head. "After that horrible broom/ jet airliner incident."

"I narrowly avoided a painful, bloody death. But I fell off my broom before it was hit. I landed on a cotton plantation in Ireland with amnesia. I was almost killed. But that's what you wanted, wasn't it!"

"Who?" Harry asked.

"It was-"

Who tried to kill Ginny? Why did they want her out of the way? Where is Harry's left sock? Why can't Harry roll his r's? Find out next time!


End file.
